Return

Sooo, I'm back.. again.  I must've left and come back at least a dozen times this year.  People get suspicious, I lose control, I break down, I come back.  But now, I'm back for good.  Promise.  My emotional break downs are getting worse and worse.  Theyre almost weekly now.  I've gained at least 10 pounds this past school year.  And at least 20 since the end of 8th grade.  I'm hoping to get down to AT LEAST 120 this summer.  I can work out all day, and not have to make excuses about not eating lunch.  300 calories a day, to start.  Burn 3900, then I burn a pound a day.  I have to say, I'm reallly feeling good about this.

 

Ipecac and failure.

 
Well we had a snow day today, but I didnt really get anything done yet.  But I'm going go exercise and work on my box in a bit.  I thought I'd do really good today, but somehow I ended up binging.  Fuck.  However, through my failure, I discovered a new weight loss tool, kind of.  I hate binging, obviously, but I cant make myself puke.  Not sure why, but its just never worked.  So I looked up ways to induce vomiting, and I found something called ipecac.  They sell it as Walgreens for like, 3 bucks.  So I'll just have my brother take me soon, and my mom will never know.  Its apparently used to induce vomiting when you've swallowed something poisonous, like drain cleaner.  I'm kinda freaked cause I was reading up on it, and it said it can lead to heart problems or death.  But thts probably only if you use it all the time, and I'd only use it in case of emergencies.

I feel like I'm trying to sell some product, lol.  Even though I binged, I still feel good today.  I didnt have theatre today or yesterday, thank god.  We're doing A Midsummer Nights Dream, and I have to be a fairy.  And we have to twirl and jump and dance and I hate it so much.  But, by the time we do the play, I'll be thinner.  Not at my goal weight, but thin.  Oh!  I dyed my hair today. :)  Its just blonder, I was mostly dying the roots, but I also wanted it lighter.  By summer I'm hoping to have it be almost white blonde.  Dad and brother are screaming at each other.  Literally just screaming and swearing.  I'm kind of scared, theyre freaking the fuck out.. :(  Now he's screaming at me, telling me I shouldve gotten off my ass and shoveled.  I told him he said we would have to shovel over a month ago, but tht doesnt matter apparently.  God, this sucks.  Now he's on the phone with my mom yelling and bitching about us.  WHAT THE FUCK.  He just came home and starting throwing a bitch fit.  Its days like this tht make me want to start cutting again.  Goddamnit..

I wanted to get started on my novel today, but I didnt yet.  I'm finishing the main character questionnaire though.  And I found some possible cover images.

 
I thinking this one for My Life in Inches, which I think is the title I've decided on.  Sorry for the venting, I just needed to let tht crap out.

Negative.

 

Okay, I lied.  I didnt end up posting again yesterday, I was working on my ana-box and whatnot.  However, I did resolve the problem!  Everyone understands, and no one's upset anymore.  Thank god, confrontation and stuff like tht makes me stress and overeat.. hence today. :(  I went over by 300 calories.  How fucking gross.  Just because I was stressed and nervous I had to eat a huge frosted cookie.  I'm so pathetic.  Sorry I'm being so negative, I just havent seen much progress yet.  At least I'm 97% sure we're going to have a snow day tomorrow.  I can sleep in, work on my box, work out, plan meals, and work on my novel. :)  Yes, I am writing a novel.  I'll be sure to keep you guys updated on it, cause I want to hear your opinions.  I'm still working on the main character questionnaire I printed off.  Its like a big survey about your book, it helps you to form the character and story.  Tell me which title you like:
Ana's Voice
My Life in Inches
Matchstick
Pencil Thin

I dont know yet, but I'm excited to really get started on it! 

Fuck my life.

I'm about to freak the fuck out.  Nobody knows how to keep a secret apparently.  I was talking to a friend of mine, and the subject of pregnancy and miscarriages came up.  In confidence, I told her my brothers ex-girlfriend accidentally got pregnant and miscarried.  I explicitly told her not to tell anyone at all, as my brother told me to keep it very secret.  This is a friend I trust very much, or did until now.  She told her boyfriend (who cheated on her), and he told my brothers current girlfriend.  Except he got it wrong, and thought my brothers current girlfriend miscarried, which is definitely not true.  Because she's a virgin, and now she's super confused and kind of hurt.  Not to mention she never wants to come over again because she doesnt want to see me, because she thinks I'm coming up with rumors about her.  Which I'm not!  And my brothers mad at me, and therefore I'm angry at my friend.

And it turns out one of my best friends, or so I thought, talks about me all the time.  She called me fat..  I dont care about anything except tht.  Well I do, but tht hurts more than anything.  And she's a good 10 lbs heavier than me, so what the hell.  She lies about EVERYTHING, even things tht wouldnt even matter.  She told her ex-best friend (whom I'm very close with, but she switched schools) I hate her, and tht she hates me.  It was a bunch of bullshit, everything she says is bullshit.  She yells at me for smoking, yet she gets drunk and high all the time, never comes to school, and never does any work.  I cant trust anyone, everyone lies to me and betrays me.

I'll post about eating and such later.. I just want to crawl into a hole and die.  Nobody is there for me anymore, I feel so stranded and alone.

ABC tomorrow!

I'm so excited to start ABC tomorrow, you have no idea.  I need a strict and structured diet, otherwise I just binge and everything is a mess.  But not this time.  This time its gonna work out so good.  I'm starting my yoga routine again: morning, noon (well.. after school), and night.  Also, more exercising and stretching.  I'll finish planning out my meals for the week, and make sure they stay within the limits.  Did I mention I'm excited?  Having a diet makes me feel so in control and I love it.

I have to write in my journal, I said I was going to very single day this year, but I havent in a month.  What a failure. :/  Also, I have quite a bit of English homework to finish, but I have until 6th hour tomorrow.  Today wasnt too bad, I had nachos though.  Yuck.  But tomorrow is a new, controlled start.  It'll go amazing.

Self-loathing.

I love Nicole Richie.  Always have.  She's so gorgeous, fashionable, and unbelievably skinny.  I'm so jealous, she's everything I want to be.  Her legs are like pencils, and her arms are tiny.  She's just a little bit curvy and toned, but still a stick.  I cant wait til I look like her. 

So my coffee fast didnt exactly work out.  We got stuff for  chicken fettuccine alfredo, which is one of my favorite foods ever, and I never get to eat it.  And I had to make it too, so.. I ended up having a bowl.  Gross.  I was putting the alfredo sauce/chicken on my plate when my brother comes up behind me and goes "So, I guess you want more sauce than chicken, since youre taking a ton."  Wow, way to make me feel like a fucking fatass.  "Yeah, I do, since you guys like the chicken more than I do."  Which was true, but I really wanted more sauce, it was so amazing.  "Well make sure to leave some for me.. and mom.. and dad."  I just grabbed my food and left, I wanted to cry.  But he was right, I was taking a ton.  I shouldnt have been eating at all, as if I really need food.  As if my fatass needs to pack in more calories.  I need to start ABC Monday.  Truthfully, I should start tomorrow, but I like to start things on Mondays.  And tomorrow I can plan out meals and everything.  No more eating whole portions, or fatty foods.  Fruit, water, coffee, tea, and sushi until Wednesday.  I must refuse food at all costs.  No excuses.

One positive thing tht came from all of this disgusting eating though, I figured out why nothing is working.  I ate waaay too much the other day, and I was seconds away from purging.  I never have before, but I just hated the feeling of so much food in me, I just wanted to bawl.  Then I realized, I wasnt hungry.  Well obviously, since I had just eaten my weight in cookie dough and cheez-its (ew).  Being hungry is my motivation.  I havent really been hungry in over two weeks.  Every time I get even the slightest bit hungry, I eat.  But WHY?!  Being hungry is the best feeling ever!  I love it!  Hunger keeps me going, it makes me feel so good and strong.  If it gets awful, I'll just drink some water.  I need to be hungry more, and embrace the feeling.  If I have only water every other day, it should keep me super motivated and slightly lightheaded, which I love.  I'm glad I figured this out, otherwise I couldve gained so much more.. I shudder to think about weighing any more than I do now.  But never again, my weight will only go down.  I dont know what I'll do if tht doesnt happen.

Uncomfortable.

Today was.. well, it was a day.  Got up at 4AM for some TV school news thing, but at least I got to leave 3 hours early!  Cappucino before, then they had donuts and juice after, but I didnt get any.  Because my brother insisted we go to McDonalds (I knowww..), but I just got a medium caramel frappe.  Except he sat with all of his friends, so I sat by myself, feeling stupid and upset and pissed.  One of his classmates kept getting on my case about smoking.  I must say, it was annoying as hell.  But at the same time I dont care, because its my business &I have control of it.


Lunch
1 can of tuna
1 tbsp miracle whip
2 slices whole grain bread
too many cheddar sun chips


Then I had a white chocolate chai latte (yum).  I realized tht much of what I consume is coffee, or coffee drinks.  So, I decided tht until Wednesday I'm going on a coffee/tea fast.  And also sushi, if we end up going to Meijer tomorrow.  I reaaallllyyy need to stick to it, I dont know if I've lost many inches this week. :/  But!  One the plus side, my ana box is almost done. (:  I really want to be at my goal weight for my birthday, or summer.  I have until May 17th (my birthday) to lose roughly 100lbs.  Not sure if thts possible though.  And I dont want like, saggy skin pouches either.  All I want is to be skinny.  I'll try to stop being so negative about all of this though.  Maybe.

What food really is.

Pretty sure I've dropped a pound or two.  Thts like 1% of what I want to lose. :/  But at least its better than nothing.  I've been skipping lunch, but I should probably have coffee or something for breakfast.  I need to start smoking again too.  I know its such a gross habit, but I've been craving one horribly.  Havent smoked in a week, and its making me eat more.  Which is an even grosser habit.  So I'll choose the lesser of two evils.  Plus, smoking makes me eat a lot less.  And drink more water.

The other day we were doing a crossword puzzle in Physical Science (its like a combination of chemistry and physics), and all the stuff had to do with food.  Stuff like proteins, carbohydrates, saturated, ect.  One  of the answers was fat.  I felt like saying fat is never the answer, but I bit my tongue.  And it seemed like when our teacher said the word 'fat' everyone thought of me.  I hate tht word.  I hate writing it, saying it, everything.  It feels like if I ever say it, then it just draws attention to the fact tht I am fat.  And then everybody just starts thinking about how fat and disgusting I am.  But anyways, back to the reason I mentioned the crossword in the first place.  I asked my teacher 'Why does all of this have to do with food?'  Then she told me tht its because all food really is is chemicals.  Its just all the chemicals together tht do different things to your body.  But its seems to me like they all do the same thing, which is make me fat.  But!  Just another motive for me to stay away from it! :)

Today was a fail.

 














 


So.. today didnt work out exactly as planned. :/  My pro-ana box isnt nearing completion yet.  Whatever, most of the contents are nearly ready.  I wasnt going to eat like, at all today.  But tht got ruined.  Okay, so I wanted to go to Michaels to get Mod Podge, so I could finish making the collage on my ana box.  Michaels is in Saginaw, right by a Starbucks, which I was planning on getting (since I almost never do, and I love it).  But my brother decided he didnt want to take me all the way to Saginaw, so we would just go to KMart.  And he would only take me if I would buy him two McChickens, which led to me not being able to resist getting one.  KMart didnt even have it, so I put 360 calories of something I couldve gotten anytime in my body for NOTHING.  Its fucking gross, I'M fucking gross.
 
UGH.  I need to sleep and drink more water too, I'm getting bags under my eyes &dehydration headaches again.
I need to distract myself.

My new life begins.

So, tomorrow I am starting my new quest for thin.  Once and for all.  I hate being fat, its disgusting.  I look in the mirror and I just want to cry.  So to help me really stick to it this time, I'm starting this blog.  And keeping a calorie/exercise journal.  And most importantly, I'm making a pro-ana box.  Its covering it in pictures of skinny models from Vogue and W.
Contents:

Pro-ana bible (tips, reasons, quotes, ect.)

HW and GW, &all weight in between

Weekly pictures (gross)

Tape measurer

All measurements, taken weekly

Red string (for bracelets)

Diet and metabolism pills

Razorblades (for times of need)

Pro-ana books, movies, songs, ect

List of what I need to do to be perfect

Why I'm doing this

What this will help me accomplish

How I feel about myself (done weekly)

How I will feel about myself

Ana's voice talking to me

Risks of starvation &how to prevent

Foods tht are 100% off limits

My BMI (taken weekly)

Model BMIs/underweight percentages

Obesity and weight statistics

Thinspiration/reverse thinspiration

Pants I want to fit into (try on weekly)

Pants tht fit at the beginning (try on weekly)

All papers for Pencil Thin (novel)

Starving for Perfection log-in info

Daily exercise routine (add to weekly)

Daily yoga routine (add to weekly)

Diets and fasts (do at least one a week)

HW/SW: 197.  Thts disgusting.

GW: 97. 100lbs to lose, I can do it.

Staring size: 12/14.

Goal size: 0/00.

Starting BMI:  30.9 ... literally obese.

Goal BMI: 15.2 which is perfect. :)