Self-loathing.

I love Nicole Richie.  Always have.  She's so gorgeous, fashionable, and unbelievably skinny.  I'm so jealous, she's everything I want to be.  Her legs are like pencils, and her arms are tiny.  She's just a little bit curvy and toned, but still a stick.  I cant wait til I look like her. 

So my coffee fast didnt exactly work out.  We got stuff for  chicken fettuccine alfredo, which is one of my favorite foods ever, and I never get to eat it.  And I had to make it too, so.. I ended up having a bowl.  Gross.  I was putting the alfredo sauce/chicken on my plate when my brother comes up behind me and goes "So, I guess you want more sauce than chicken, since youre taking a ton."  Wow, way to make me feel like a fucking fatass.  "Yeah, I do, since you guys like the chicken more than I do."  Which was true, but I really wanted more sauce, it was so amazing.  "Well make sure to leave some for me.. and mom.. and dad."  I just grabbed my food and left, I wanted to cry.  But he was right, I was taking a ton.  I shouldnt have been eating at all, as if I really need food.  As if my fatass needs to pack in more calories.  I need to start ABC Monday.  Truthfully, I should start tomorrow, but I like to start things on Mondays.  And tomorrow I can plan out meals and everything.  No more eating whole portions, or fatty foods.  Fruit, water, coffee, tea, and sushi until Wednesday.  I must refuse food at all costs.  No excuses.

One positive thing tht came from all of this disgusting eating though, I figured out why nothing is working.  I ate waaay too much the other day, and I was seconds away from purging.  I never have before, but I just hated the feeling of so much food in me, I just wanted to bawl.  Then I realized, I wasnt hungry.  Well obviously, since I had just eaten my weight in cookie dough and cheez-its (ew).  Being hungry is my motivation.  I havent really been hungry in over two weeks.  Every time I get even the slightest bit hungry, I eat.  But WHY?!  Being hungry is the best feeling ever!  I love it!  Hunger keeps me going, it makes me feel so good and strong.  If it gets awful, I'll just drink some water.  I need to be hungry more, and embrace the feeling.  If I have only water every other day, it should keep me super motivated and slightly lightheaded, which I love.  I'm glad I figured this out, otherwise I couldve gained so much more.. I shudder to think about weighing any more than I do now.  But never again, my weight will only go down.  I dont know what I'll do if tht doesnt happen.